I spoke on a panel about sexual abuse last week. One of the questions we received:
How can parents properly educate their children about sexual abuse?
It was a discussion that I wish every parent could hear. Here were some of my notes…
1.Stranger danger conversations are important to have. But the primary conversation needs to be about staying safe with people we know. Over 90% of sexual abuse will be perpetrated by someone the child loves and trusts.
2. Stop using the word HURT when talking about sexual abuse. Sexual violation does not register to a child as being hurt, like being hit or bit or kicked. In fact, the term abuse is rather misleading because the process and act of childhood sexual abuse is one of seduction.
When I talk to my kids about sexual abuse, we talk about the possibility of their privates feeling good, but their tummy feeling bad. The hurt tummy might come before, during, or after, but the tummy is an important cue. We talk about the confusion that comes with something feeling good or enticing to some parts of their body, while the rest of them might feel very uncomfortable.
3. When discussing how they can recognize if someone is being inappropriate with them, establish the message that no one is immune. No person in their life is an exception or exempt from their personal boundaries, no matter how much they love them, no matter how much our family loves them, no matter how important they are in our lives.
4. In having these conversations, speak about both adults and older kids. “Big kids” or teenagers can be abusers too.
5. Parents: take points #3 and 4 and have that conversation with yourself as well. You can think the world of a friend, neighbor, coach, troop leader, youth minister, teacher, etc, but never give a blanket pass to the people in your children’s life just because you like them and they seem like great people. A person can be kind, fun, warm, lovely, even inspiring, and also be an abuser. In fact, those are important qualities in gaining the trust necessary to isolate your child, and allow you and them to feel comfortable when they do so.
The notion that abuse is going to occur from a sneaky, “bad guy” on the periphery must be abolished. Most often, an abuser is going to first win you and/or your child’s trust before they start abusing.
6. Activist and #MeToo Founder Tarana Burke so perfectly talks about the critical importance of the caveat to rules that we as parents give our children about personal boundaries. We tell our children not to let anyone touch their privates, that no one should look at their privates, that they shouldn’t talk to or go anywhere with strangers, etc. What we often fail to add, is that if those rules are ever broken, it is never their fault. Adults and older kids know these rules too and if these rules are violated, it is always the adult or older kids fault. The child needs to know they did not do anything wrong.
7. Kill the myth that your child would tell you if they were being abused. Child sexual abuse does not feel like “someone did something bad to me.” Child sexual abuse feels like “we did something bad together.” And kids are not quick to tell on themselves.
8. Do not interrogate. If you have suspicion, ask your child gentle, leading questions while engaged in another activity together. If they don’t have to look you in the eyes, and the inquiries are more conversational, a child is more likely to open up than being bombarded by emotion-packed pleading questions. Here is a great book that I’ve read to my kids, that talks about the difference between good and bad secrets.
I’ll be posting a separate blog on important points to remember when talking to teens about this topic. Subscribe below to see that blog when it’s published.